So let's be honest here. I should be typing how thankful I am to serve, how wonderful it was to be amongst other spiritual giants, and that I'm grateful for all I've learned..... It is true. But, it's not what I'm feeling right now.
Let me put aside the bigger picture for a moment....
Although I do believe and feel these things and so much more with all my heart, a part of me is angry. Angry that I did not have the opportunity to have this calling when I wasn't sick. I feel so much like I've let Heavenly Father down by not being able to do my calling. I was supposed to be in this calling at this time for a reason but I certainly did not expect to be sick again this soon after my last treatments ended.
I know, I know..... All the responses, I can think of have been said to me. I did all I could. I was a great president. I can now focus on my health and 3 of my children with their needs. I can prepare for the next stage in my life now. It's very kind and I'm so thankful for all the kind words. But I feel horrible.
I am so mad that I have Lyme. I'm so mad that it is inside of me. I'm so mad that I cannot explain exactly to others what I'm going through because I don't even understand it. Im sure my husband already thinks I am a huge loser for not being tougher with everything. For not trying harder to do more around the home. For not getting up with the kids every morning. For not going to the grocery or anywhere for that matter unless I absolutely have to. I feel like such a failure to him already. He deserves so much better and I'm so sad for him. He has to take on all this and I don't even help. At least that's how I feel.
I felt the same in my calling. I had to delegate so much because I know what was going to happen. Then I felt horrible every time after doing so, thinking if I just did it Heavenly Father would provide a way and take care of the rest. This may be true and now I will never know.
I know I did my best for what I could do. I know I could have done more or been better, but I think deep down we all feel that with the things we do. I know I'm being hard on myself, but I'm just so mad at this disease.
I know I'm not going to be the same me as I was before that camping trip. I know even after treatments that I wasn't going to be the same, maybe something pretty close and I was ok with it. But for some reason, I got sick again... I was told at least a year before POSSIBLY needing more treatments. But not THIS soon.
Today was just a bit surprising seeing as my last request was for another counselor... But the Lord knows what he is doing and I trust in him. I am thankful for the release of duties, but mostly for the burden that I carried as the one spiritually responsible for all who fell under primary... It was a bigger surprise to me as president than all the "duties" I had. I now have a greater respect for anyone in a presidential calling as to what is really placed upon them when they are called.
I love my friends who served with me in my presidency, they were my rocks. The Lord places certain people in our lives for a reason and I'm glad he did!! I am so grateful for all our primary children who showed so much Christ-like love! I am thankful for all my leaders and teachers who serve these kids with all their heart! They are awesome examples to me and I'm grateful for all they do!
I will miss being in the primary room, and will cry every time I walk by and hear them singing. I will pull through all this soon and will be ready for my next calling in no time. I just need to make it through this week....
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