So the last two days were fun... If you want to call it that! Monday I was horribly depressed. I haven't felt that terrible emotionally since before I was treated for depression. It was bad. I knew to sit on the couch for a bit and just listen. I had already said prayers, studied scriptures... I was listening. It was a battle in my head that was going on as to why I was released. Why I was being replaced.
Was I not good enough... No that was a dumb thought... I was sick. If I was not good enough I'm sure the Lord would have wanted me in there longer to learn something!! Lol!
I had to fight off the feelings of incompetency that I have been dealing with lately. I didn't feel better until Tuesday morning. I had realized that being released had just acknowledged that I was sick and could no longer handle everything this way. Once I was able to identity why I was really so sad, I was able to move on.
I'm still so incredibly sad. I will miss the work, the calling, my friends constant contact and friendship, the kids, the blessings, the struggles, the fun. But I am now ready to take on me.
I'm a bit scared for tomorrow, (well, today since it's almost 2am.) Before, it was a fear of the unknown. Now, it's I know what the crap I have to face and I don't wanna! It's not easy. I had a huge support system before. Now it doesn't feel this way. I guess this time around it will be a welcome to your new life... Get over it and move on, but still be expected to be "normal." I hope that is not true.
In a way, I agree that this is what I will need it to be to mentally survive this again. That's the part that scares me. I have to stop myself everyday from thinking how this is the new norm for me. Maybe if I had been born with it or it's been over a decade doing treatments I would have more courage and not let it get to me. But I'm being real here. It scares the crap out of me. Herxing is not fun nor is it a walk in the park.
I have learned to face it each day with perseverance and knowing that I need normalcy in order to get through. This time I will make it a better point to be a part of the lives of my friends who stuck through my first year of sickness and treatments. They are my true friends and my rocks. No matter what is going on in their worlds, they were there for me.... And still are!! I don't want to talk about treatments and meds and how I feel. I want to hear their stories, adventures, accomplishments and failures.
I know what to expect this time around and I pray I can be stronger. I pray I can be the mom my kids need me to be and the wife my husband needs, too. It's the relationships in life that matter most....
I'm thankful for my trials for they make me a better person.
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