Frustration and Lyme

I just took my daughter to school and I am back in bed.  I am loosing my spoons.  The last two weeks have been one crazy roller coaster ride.  Even though I am off my IV antibiotics this oral Doxycycline is the pits.  It seems to be doing the job of killing the bacteria because I am herxing worse.  I take it twice a day and for some reason I feel toxic 24/7. 

I am so frustrated lately.  Today is one of those bucket is overflowing, but not of grateful things.  I want my old life back.  I want my old self back. 

 

I attended a funeral Monday night and I couldn't help think that I am still alive and should be thankful for that.  My Lyme was caught, diagnosed and treated before it could do further damage.  I should be grateful...  I am, its just hard to keep up the positive- I can overcome this- attitude when I feel like this nonstop.

This past Sunday my beautiful primary children at church had a presentation where they shared what they have been taught all year.  I skipped my treatments the night before and morning of so I wouldn't be so fatigue.  It helped a bit and I pushed through the day.  I was actually quite proud of myself! 

...............

(I just paused to think of something and fell asleep!)

I just woke up at 1pm.  I never took the boys to school.  Couldn't wake up to do it.  My whole body hurts and my limbs have been numb for almost an hour.  My chest is in pain and feels like its being crushed.  I thankfully can walk today but hurt all over.  I can barely eat and feel so sick.  My head is going to explode and my ears hurt so bad.

I was warned that the cooler weather would bring symptoms back for my rheumatoid arthritis...  Yea.

Emotionally I am struggling.  I have to admit, it is hard to be strong...  I do it for the kids and for myself.  I have a lot of responsibilities and I can't give up.  Some days are good but most are bad.  Today is very rough and when emotionally you don't feel strong enough it makes it a million times harder. 

I am so frustrated!!  I don't know how I am ever going to overcome this if I can't see a doctor out side of Vegas.  A friend of mine's daughter has Lyme and sees the same doctor as me.  They are a few steps ahead and are also looking out of state.  Band-aid approaches are not the answer.  Lyme is taking our quality of life away.  I have little family life, very little socialization with friends, (if any @ church,) and really no life of my own at all.  I use all my "spoons" to my responsibilities and leave none for me.  Its driving me crazy!

I am completely sure that on Mother's day this year I lost a friend already from texting while on heavy pain meds...  They should put a warning on prescription bottles!!  And who knows how many others think I have abandoned them or gave up on our friendships...  This is not the case.  My mind is degrading and my body wins most of the time and I shut down.

I just keep praying, and crying out to the Lord to help me find the answers I need or to help me raise enough money to get treated properly.  If I didn't know I had Lyme disease I would be in the hospital right now...  But its pointless.  They can't do anything for it that I'm not already doing or they don't know how to treat it. 

I feel useless, pointless, a huge burden to my family and feel like if it weren't for my kids I would have given up a long time ago. 

This is a hard battle.  So very hard.  To have to be strong emotionally every day.  Just to get my kids off to school every morning makes me drained for hours.

I was a very busy body and loved to work outside on my yard.  I used to be a very active stay home mom and played so much with my kids.  Now I curl my daughter's hair and I have to nap for 3 hours.  Today I took a shower AND took my daughter to school...  That drained me and I ended up not taking the boys to school because I passed out until 1pm. 

I want so bad to go on a road trip with my family to forget it all.  I want to hike, swim, window shop, have girls nights out, play a sport, play with my kids, attend more than just Sunday church meetings, to have a real date night with my hubby, to be able to do house work with out it knocking me down for hours.  I am so frustrated.

I will keep on going, hoping for a funding miracle...  A cure would be nice but we all know how that is.  I have to say that I am thankful that so far I have been able to give advice to at least 4 others about Lyme disease.  It is great to know that I can still help others.  It gives me another purpose for all of this.  I was diagnosed with Celiac's disease 15 years ago...  I vowed to help others with it.  I was diagnosed a few years ago with clinical depression...  I vowed to help others but have not been as vocal.  Now that I have Lyme and know it could be the cause of my clinical depression...  I am not going to be quiet any more.  I am an extreme introvert and am happy to be at home in my own little world.  So all of this Lyme awareness is a new venture for me.  To be out in the public I have only one desire, (ok, two, besides wanting better treatment,) is to help others.  The more we can help each other the better.  It is how I can be an instrument in the Lords hands through this ravishing disease.