This last month flew by for me. I have been focusing on my strength... Physical and mental. I went through a bit of depression recently and have pushed to over come it. On the days where my pain levels are not tolerable, when my mind is just not all there or when the fatigue is so intense all I can do is sleep... It's hard to be hopeful and motivated.
I feel like I am floating along in life. Having less purpose. I know I have responsibilities but the personal, willingful contributions I make just seem bleak and nonexistent. I see my home, my husband, my calling, my kids and their behavior, I look into the mirror... It all seems neglected.
I know I cannot help it anymore when my body is not able to do the tasks before me. This is where I struggle to remember that I have to let go. To put me first and relax. Tomorrow is another day. Once I am having a good moment then I try to work in overdrive to make good use of the energy. That almost always backfires and I'm down again.
It's hard to change your thinking of over 30 years of knowing what you are capable of. Learning new tricks... Diet, exercise, supplements, sleep, rest... How much of each is needed and planing future events accordingly. The spoon theory is no joke for me now! It's my bible of living the Lyme life. Borrowing and saving strength, energy and hoping your mind will be on task at the same time you physically have prepared for the moment.
The RA is not fun at all this winter. Places I didn't know could hurt me so much are surfacing each day. New combinations of pain. Sharp and shocking to dull and endless. It's more annoying than anything. You build up a tolerance for it and keep pushing through no matter how much it hurts. My jaw muscles hurt a lot from clenching at the pain. It used to be from smiling. I always had a smile on my face. I try hard to keep that part of my personality going. Smiling helps to bring a positive attitude and with Lyme I need it more than anything!
My kids have seen me up and around a lot more this last month. You would think it would have been a happy note. Ok, it has! I just don't think they are happy about mommy trying to bring about order and structure in the home again. They are fighting it with a vengeance. I can understand from their perspective and I need to remember that I need to spend quality time with them.... After their rooms are cleaned!!
I have set up a new system in our home for behavior and the old chore charts are starting again. Work and responsibility are my goals right now, hopefully it brings about some respect, humility, and maybe even some free time for all of us to go play more often. If I can just get my primary responsibilities in check I wouldn't feel so torn between them both! I feel absolutely horrible about managing my time between family and church. I am so bad at it. That's my personal goal this month. Working on time management, prioritizing and delegation in my new Lyme life.
Speaking of goals... I finally have my doctors appointment this Wednesday to discuss my polyp removal surgery on my sinuses. I'm apprehensive about it all. I know it needs to be done but I cannot even tell it's there. Researching my phantom left ear pain, which I now have again thanks to the colder weather, is how we discovered the polyps in the first place. I know the biopsy will show it's benign since its in my sinus, but I'm not looking forward to the pain from the surgery aftermath. 2 weeks. It's not that bad. I will only need to be on watch for 24 hours afterward and then I will just need assistance for the next few days. If my first week goes well I should be able to go off pain meds to see how I am doing.
My biggest concern with surgery is that my immune system could get shocked. I've researched a little about it and don't feel I know enough. You see, Lyme can multiply much faster with a weakened immune system. For now I am keeping the bacteria in check because I have attacked most of it and have helped to raise my immune system for better maintaining of my disease.
I guess it will be another learning experience! I hope to learn a lot more at Wednesday's appointment with my ENT. Hopefully my hubby can come, too. I would like that.
Thanks for being patient for another post. I don't know who all reads this. I'm not very entertaining and not much of a writer either! Just hoping to share my experiences for my own record and for the hope that someday it will help someone in their journey. So to that I say hang in there! No matter what you are going through it will pass. The trial will change and life must go on. I am not my disease and every day I am getting closer to finding me again. I just need to keep going... One moment at a time! Love you all!!
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