Frustrated

I want to vent but have no where to begin.  I'm overwhelmed.  My body is physically taking on so much and I can barely keep up.  I'm still recovering from a sinus infection so I need to give myself a break.  I just cannot express how much pain I am in all the time.  It doesn't make sense.  It's an emotional roller coaster of being determined to overcome it, to being heavy hearted about my new reality, to asking myself every day why I am required by so many to live a normal life yet not being able to explain or express my situation so I can just say no.  I think I need to go back to 3 counsellors again.  I forced myself to go to all of church today.  I hurt so bad.  Today was difficult because everything is adding up. My memory is horrible.  I can't articulate words to communicate the simplest sentences.  It's embarrassing.  I'm getting the feeling that others are getting tired of it, too.  Having to pick up my slack and correct me all the time.  I am being reminded of what to do next and as soon as I'm told I cannot remember what to do.  I just stand there with this blank look on my face.  I'm constantly forgetting things and cannot seem to make decisions at all. I go into the kitchen to make dinner and I just stand there, not knowing what to do.  I'm not sure if my depression right now is making it worse, but the only reason I continue on is because I don't want to lose anymore friends.  I feel I have burned more bridges this last year than I have ever in my entire life. 

I meet tomorrow with my ENT to talk about my surgeries and then I can maybe know more about how soon I can get back to my Lyme doctors.  I'm trying so hard to fight these trials I am being faced with and I feel I have never been weaker before in my life.  Maybe it's because I have been fighting harder at them...  Opposition is fighting back with as much force as I am delivering...?

I have thought to get off Facebook for a while.  I subscribe to a lot of support groups and Lyme pages. Everyday I see posts about another person dying from Lyme or of another's horrible health from the years of Lyme even with treatments.  I just don't think I'm emotionally strong enough right now to stay connected.  

My oldest has a science project at school to do, on top of her science fair project mind you, and it's dealing with plagues and diseases.  (Something like that.)  My daughter told me she was assigned Lyme Disease.  She has already begun to research it.  Talk about a horrible assignment. Your teacher talking at school about all of these horrible diseases and illnesses in history and making the kids all come home washing their hands every 10 minutes from fear.  Then mentioning how deadly some of them are...  AIDS, Ebola, Scurvy, Lyme....  She came home and hugged me tight that day.  I told her we should research it together.  She said she already did a bunch at school.  My daughters stress level has been a little high this week.  I think I need to go in and talk to her science teacher.  My daughter already knows the fact that I don't know when I contracted Lyme and she knows it's possible all my children carry it, too.  

I've been overly busy with my church calling and know I will be blessed for doing it, but cannot help but think of how I'm having to give up so much of my family's needs right now because I cannot do it all.  This is why I believe I need to call another counselor.  I'm sure they won't release me...  No one else wants the job.  It's very involved...  And I'm hardly keeping up with it.  I haven't started visits to the children yet.  I haven't done my part enough for these kids.  My presidency seems to be planning events and discussing primary positions being in need of filling more than having time to discuss the individual needs of our kids.  I'm going to fix that. 

 I just wish I could get past the guilt I have right now...  From not being a president who's capable of fulfilling all that needs to be addressed.  I know I have Lyme, but right now I'm called to be the primary president and I need to be able to do the job I was called for.  I know I need to rely on the Savior right now.  He is the only way I will be able to accomplish this calling.  He is the only way I will be able to get through this until I am released....  From all my callings in life.