End of 2014

I'm so glad to get this year over with!  I had hoped to be well in starting the new year but my Lyme seems to be relapsing already.  Since being in the hospital my health has crashed.  I constantly have headaches and borderline migraines every day.  I wake up with them and try to go to bed with them.  My bodies pain level has spiked and I am on edge dealing with the emotional response to it.  I hurt everywhere.  The cold weather does not help and thankfully it's cloudy outside or I would be in my dark room and not on the couch with the kids.  Today I lost my sense of taste.  I have no idea why.  Which stinks because I plan to feast tonight with friends.  

Last night I held a presidency meeting and I could not focus nor complete a thought to plan the next step of action.  I had horrible thought block.  I sat down afterward and tried to gather my self and could not.  I barely fed the kids and then put them to bed.  I decided it was time to take my pills that help me sleep and unfortunately it did not work.  I was up for maybe 3 more hours in a drugged up state.  I threw those pills away.  I live in this internal hell and at night all I want to do is sleep.  My body just spasms and twitches uncontrollably and I cannot relax.  My mind is clear but my body is wild.  

I have had a reoccurring dream where I am having a full blown seizure.  I always wake up completely exhausted from the dream and emotionally drained.  I think I am scared that my condition will come to this without treatment.  I am current working with my insurance company to cover my past procedure.  

I have to go to the store today.  I may send my husband.  It's Las Vegas and its 40 outside.  Plus when I venture out I must tough it out, put on my "stick it to Lyme" attitude and once I'm home I can crash for a few hours.  Sometimes it's just not worth it.  Preserving energy sounds better every second.

My blood sugar has been running low for 2 weeks now.  As low as 56.  I eat properly, having glucose when it drops and eating proper carbs and protein to carry it on.  Sometimes it will only raise it to 80.  I haven't been over 100 in a while.  Even on a big meal.  

None of it makes sense.  My hospital visit showed the same test results.  One of my heart valves is only operating at 50%.  Everything else looks great.  Perfect even.  I was once again told how strange it was for some one my size.  (Let's just say I'm under 130lbs.). 

I plan to declutter my home in January and February.  In case we have to move it will be easier to pack.  If we stay then I can plan to paint and maybe set the home up how I really want it.  There is stuff everywhere.  I see so much coming in and nothing leaving.  It's driving me mad!  My bedroom is packed in and I'm about ready to absolve my office.  I never use it.  I will be happier with less.  Much less.

It will have to wait until the end of January for me to recover from my surgery.  I was told 7-10 days to recover from sinus polyp surgery...  Thankfully my mom is taking it off.  My hubby is taking care of me the first day and my mom for the rest, while he is at work.  I'm not looking forward to it but will be glad when it's over.  Then I can start on my back.  I may or may not have surgery to help the scoliosis.  It has always caused pain but in the recent years, and 4 babies later, I have had increased pain in my hips, right shoulder blade and back in general.  I lose feeling in my right arm a lot and often have a hard time walking from the hip problems scoliosis has brought.  My discs are nearly squished in certain places and with age will only get worse.  I will see the doctor soon to discuss it.  In the mean time I will visit my Infectious Disease doctor again about my recent drop in quality of health.

I feel discouraged almost daily but don't give up.  I'm just always in pain so I have a constant reminder of my situation that I cannot escape from.  I have grown stronger and more tolerable to pain.  I breath steady and deeply on a regular basis as a form of pain control.  Resting more and asking kids to be quiet or play in their rooms.  Poor kids, they don't go places besides school and church.  They know I'm not well and they understand but it's still not fair to them.  I know they will be fine it's just hard for them to hear of how much their friends at school and church are seeing and adventuring so much.  We couldn't take them to our neighboring mountains for a quick hike since all 5 tires, (yes the spare, too) are past the worn tread mark.  They are all cracked and rotted.  We seriously live on tithing blessings and its a miracle we have lasted this long!

Moving, I shudder to think of it!  Not while I'm sick.  Not while I can barely keep up with laundry, dishes and regular household chores.  If so then I want a low maintenance home.  No big landscapes, mostly patio covered backyard and in a culdesac.  This place is good but not easy for me to upkeep.  We will know more in a couple of months...  I hope.

Until then, I think I will just nap.  It sounds perfect about now....