It's challenging enough being a stay at home mom, a wife, church member, friend, daughter, cousin...... but to have a chronic illness that stops you at a moments notice from functioning.... you end up embarrassed all the time or leaving with a lower self esteem.
This last year I have done my very best to keep my mask of faking "being well" on when living my life day to day. I cannot explain enough how much daily pain I am in. I have found ways to help distract me from the torture. Music, hugging my children, warm baths, taking a drive, watching a movie, doing chores, organizing a drawer, calling a friend, studying my scriptures.... I've learned to keep moving. If I sit I will notice the pain more and end up focusing on it which in turn makes it seem maddening.
I have been positive about how "well" my pain level is for that day. Or how "well" my mind is functioning. I do tire of feeling like a "woe is me" or "Debbie Downer," or a "let's talk about how crappy it is for me." I want to be apart of the society I live in but feel so far from. I give my best smile and spunky energy to anyone I may see. (I really think Lyme disease can help people to become amazing actors!) I only let ot all down for my family and maybe one close friend. Mostly I cave to my husband and thankfully he still loves me and picks up the slack without any complaint.
I have avoided talking about my disease. No videos, doctor visits, research, or sharing my journey as much on here or on YouTube. I've been in a constant battle between trying to feel normal and knowing when to give up... let the day pass by. Another always comes! I have this to look forward to at my weakest moments. Time will pass and I will be in less pain once this moment is over. It's when I either take a nap, watch a movie until I pass out, or hide away in a dark hole until my senses can function again with all the noise, lights and smells.
Thankfully I've never had a seizure from Lyme. I've thrown up only a few times because of the pain but not too many since I've learned to meditate through it or distract myself. (Also I use ginger, or end up taking Zofran!)
I've never been wheel chair bound, although I was pretty close to it before I received my diagnoses. I was so weak that just getting up from bed to use the restroom would make me crash for hours.
Although my pain has increased since being diagnosed and my fatigue seems the same, I have been made stronger through my perseverance of wanting a normal life. By wanting more for my kids... them to not be affected by this disease and to have a functioning mom. They already give up so much. Because my life has been slower, I see that they are gaining many opportunities to know how much I love them. I've spent so much time with them cuddling on the couch and it never would have happened if I had been so busy as I once used to be. I have had great talks with my kids and get to spend extra time with them. You just cannot replace that with any activity, sport, trip or club they may be missing because I cannot keep up with a busy lifestyle.
I've become stronger in my identity of who I am and why I have the trials that I do. I hear all the time many translations of how we are to overcome our trials... my favorites are two. One, that adversity can bring us closer to Him. And two, we are placed here on this earth to be instruments in progressing his kingdom.
How does this help me overcome trials?
Well, I will tell you. It's one thing to have sympathy for another, but empathy is true understanding. Some things are given to us, for good or bad, so we may understand them better if we but look and listen. Instead of asking "Why me?"... ask what good can I do for another in their time of need with what I have been given.
I may not be helping others with Lyme disease every day, but I know from what others have told me that I have inspired them to hold on. To keep their chins up in their trials and to seek progression as well. I've been able to give others opportunities to serve that have helped them to feel more purpose and belonging in this world. I have learned of the unconditional love that so many of you have by supporting myself and my family in our journey. I've seen others lives changed because of an illness that I've had to bear... and even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I would do it again knowing I am helping God's kingdom.
Our time here is short and we have much to learn. I know my mask is currently hiding what's truly inside.... I bet yours is, too. As I learn to show myself more and accepting that who I am is OK to be everywhere I am, I hope you can,too. I hope we can all become instruments in His hands by allowing more to see us with the masks off. That our trials don't make us weaker or less desireable. That we will choose to make them glorify our lives and help to bring everyone the peace and joy they so deserve.
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