As a kid I always loved the freedom to ride my bike, be outdoors and spend time on a great adventure. The older I became, the passion grew more inside me. I chose a path in my late teen years that required me to work a lot and some of this was put on hold. I savor a few times where I went on adventures with friends. It was exciting... exhilarating! I felt one with nature and absorbed as much as I could. Hiking, biking, driving, boating, beaching, walking... I was at peace!
I have a few moments since being married where I continued my passion. Definitely not as many as I'd like and unfortunately not as many as I had wished to share with my family.
Now that I have a chronic illness, and possible other health issues that have not allowed for me to fully recover, I have done a lot of spoon saving. (Google "The Spoon Theory" if I lost you here.) If I were to go out and let's say hike... it would take a few days to recover enough to function properly. Extreme fatigue, body aches and almost a complete body shut down occurs. I've found ways to help the aftermath and I take less time now to recover, which is a blessing! But, I still need it. One day for fun, the next day or two to rebuild.
Lately I feel everything has been worse. I've been through a period of 3 weeks of sickness. Started as a sore throat, progressed to a sinus and ear infection. Then came the horrible, chest burning, hacking cough. Then came the high temps, chills, and migraines. Now, most of my symptoms are gone, but I still have ear aches, chest tightness, and extreme fatigue, (which I expect from 3 weeks of being ill.) I'm worried about my adrenal glands and how exhausted they are from being sick. I'm worried about how my cuts on my hand and arm have healed slowly, including getting infected too easily. (It's a small sign my infection marker is high.) We still don't know why my WBC is low and why I cannot stay healthy after treatments.
Sometimes I just feel numb from it all. I just sit and stare at things and shake my head. No reason to be angry. No reason to fear anything. No reason to complain. No reason to let it stop me from at least trying to be functional. When I drive, read, type, cook, stir, lift, fold, dry, wash, hold.... I constantly have to give my arms and legs a good rest and a shake. I rotate limbs and extremities. I roll my neck and back around constantly. I dream of living in my tub just floating away in a very hot bath. I dream of the house we almost bought that had a spa and a small pool... I was going to buy one of those neck-flotation-pillows and let my body go. Water therapy is amazing for my body!
Everything is in short bursts or in sheer endurance as if I were in a gym pushing my workout to the limits. I often fold laundry as if it were a competition at the gym... I probably sound funny counting the pieces of clothing as I near the end of my reps. I have to make it ridiculously silly or I end up crying at how crappy it is.
I always see the quotes from the support pages I follow about living with an invisible illness and how hard it is for others to understand. I have never related to it much because I have the most amazing friends and family who believe me and love me no matter what. But somewhere deep inside I've noticed that just maybe I feel a bit frustrated because I have made myself feel as if I'm supposed to do it all. First of all... I'm a stay-home-mom of 4. What the heck am I thinking! Haha! Second, I have a disease that limits me. What am I doing to myself? Why would I even give into that crap... I'm supposed to be super woman, which doesn't exist, and take on the world??
As I've brought my crazy idea of who I should be back down to reality, I realize I'm pretty awesome. I don't need to list why... just know I figured it out. And I did so while enjoying the outdoors. I did so while driving my car with the windows open, while laying on my patio chair watching my kids play, (or fight....) So I thought, why not get out more?!! I've read my scriptures more and allowed time to contemplate them. Being sick I was made to let go of even more and to sit back and think about how everything is.
I need to step away more for contemplation. I need to get out for more focus and grounding. And while I'm at it I can throw in a little adventure to ignite my soul again! Maybe, if I'm feeling really adventurous, bring the kids...!! (I love going places with them... but let's face it... they are getting older and they fight a lot. They seem to be grounded or in time out a lot lately.)
As I write my random thoughts down, I have to remind myself that I'm in good hands. I have faith in the Lord that I will be healed. As scared as I may feel at times, it's just a small hiccup in my faith. I know everything will be ok. I know I'm in good hands.
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