Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Why I disappeared AGAIN the last 6 months

A wise friend of mine suggested I start this back up to document my journey, again, in trying to stay on top of my disease.  For the last few years I have not been fully well.  I just assumed that there is nothing more to do in recovering so I just quit trying to get better.  I didn't stop all at once.  A few things here...  a few things there.  It wasn't until a few days after my birthday this past October 4th, 2017, that I came crashing down again.  Everything started to come back.  Every haunting, agonizing, tortuous symptom of Lyme Disease that I had before was creeping back in.  It started with higher pain levels until eventually the neurological problems started returning.  I had to up my antidepressant and use the heating blanket on its highest setting to get some kind of relief.  I took supplements, did cleanses, and kept distracted so I didn't go mad thinking about it.  I had to give up on a lot of my normal activities just to save energy for things I had to prioritize.  I stopped talking to friends, skipped going places and stopped calling people because I just couldn't and didn't want to explain, again, what was happening to me.

When I tell someone I have Chronic Lyme, or Post Treatment Lyme Disease Symptoms, I usually get a few "try my product" friends who come out of no where.  I know most is all in good intention, but scientifically there is a bigger picture into treatments than cannot be explained in one conversation.  I also hear the "I heard that someone was "cured" from Lyme Disease" quote and it makes me sigh.  It's a Disease.  There is no cure.  The only proof that it has been eradicated is in an autopsy.  At least at this point.

There are SO many conflicting places to turn to for Lyme opinions and support.  Just like treating Cancer, there is no one sure fire way to choose.  Many patients are left getting a second and third opinion after doing hours of personal research just to find a method to attempt.  Mostly just to end up switching paths or tweaking the protocol a bit to help it become more effective or less damaging to the body.

Back to my story...  in January of this year, my nerve damage in my extremities was getting bad.  I knew it was not a good sign.  If I went back into my doctor they would surely put me back on IV medications.  But in March, I started to have heart palpitations again.  It was early signs of Heart Block that suggest that there was a lot of miss firing going on in the wiring of my heart.  I DO NOT want to have a pace maker.  So I just knew I had to see the doctor.

It was March 22, the day of my two beautiful daughters birthdays, (born 7 years apart,) that I was volunteering to work in our church's temple.  It was a happy and calm day!  I was caught off guard when my heart just stopped beating.  Then it spazed out for a bit only beating in partial areas. I became very light headed and felt like I was suffocating.  It started to beat regularly before I could collapse and I just sat there and stared at the computer and waited until I felt better.  I never told anyone there or they would have panicked and called an ambulance.  I knew what was going on and if it was a real problem I would have fainted completely.  I took my health seriously again after that day.

Since then, I've had that happen 3 more times.  This last week has been uneventful as far as my heart.  Thankfully I have time to take care of my surroundings before anything gets too bad, but so far I have been OK.  If I had not started treatments 3 weeks ago...  I would be worse for sure.

As for now, I am doing a round of oral antibiotics until a PICC line can be placed.  Once again I am having trouble with insurance in getting a company to place it.  Hopefully in the next week I can start that...  I will have it for a minimum of 12 weeks.  That's not bad compared to some who are on it for longer than a year so I can handle it!  I have been herxing pretty well and have learned better probiotic and detoxifying methods to help in treatments.  I eat gluten free, dairy free and sugar free...  (well, sugar and dairy is at a very minimal if any.)

The hardest part of this all is not being the sick one.  It is watching all your friends not know what to say or do.  It is watching yourself not get included in things because I can't last the whole time or go anywhere adventurous.  It is trying to not bombard your husband with all your details because there is not much he can do to help me get better.  It only makes him worry more.  It is watching your children have to give up more things and have events canceled like Easter. (Yes, I was physically not able to give them their own Easter baskets or egg hunt in the morning OR color eggs.)  I kept 3 of the 4 kids birthdays low key because I just couldn't do any more than that.  I see my children worry about my illness and they see when I am not well.  It is them not wanting to go to school because they want to stay and be with me.  It is your 15 year old daughter having a panic attack that I could die young from this.  Unfortunately, once I get the PICC line it will be a bigger physical reminder that I am seriously sick...  besides the enormous amount of pills I take daily or the amount of pain or physical limitations I have.

I have seen a bigger change, a change for the better.  We slow down and talk more about what really matters.  We hug, cuddle and spend time together.  We help each other more willingly and serve when another is in need.  We love more unconditionally and forgive more freely.  There grades may not be the best right now, but all there tests show that they are learning a ton!  We may not have the healthiest meals or even anything besides toast or cereal, but we mostly eat together.  Our testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ is stronger.  We know that Christ can and will heal us.  He will never leave us alone.  He may not take the physical pains away but he can heal our heart and spirit.  We all know He lives and loves us all.  He knows our name.  He has given us everything we need as long as we use it.  I am so thankful to be born at this time when the True Gospel of Christ is here on this earth again.  I am SO thankful to live so close to a temple of God that I may do his works and serve Him weekly.  I am so grateful to be sealed to this amazing family for all time and eternity.  I am truly blessed and am a better person because they are in my lives.  They are my rock and keep me going.  If you are going through a difficult time, I ask you to pray and search the scriptures.  Answers may not come all at once or sometimes not at all.  Do your research and ask for guidance.  He will show you the way.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Freedom to be OK with me!

As a kid I always loved the freedom to ride my bike, be outdoors and spend time on a great adventure.  The older I became, the passion grew more inside me.  I chose a path in my late teen years that required me to work a lot and some of this was put on hold.  I savor a few times where I went on adventures with friends.  It was exciting...  exhilarating!   I felt one with nature and absorbed as much as I could.  Hiking, biking, driving, boating, beaching, walking...  I was at peace!

I have a few moments since being married where I continued my passion.  Definitely not as many as I'd like and unfortunately not as many as I had wished to share with my family. 

Now that I have a chronic illness, and possible other health issues that have not allowed for me to fully recover, I have done a lot of spoon saving.  (Google "The Spoon Theory" if I lost you here.)  If I were to go out and let's say hike...  it would take a few days to recover enough to function properly.  Extreme fatigue, body aches and almost a complete body shut down occurs.  I've found ways to help the aftermath and I take less time now to recover, which is a blessing!  But, I still need it.  One day for fun, the next day or two to rebuild.

Lately I feel everything has been worse.  I've been through a period of 3 weeks of sickness.  Started as a sore throat, progressed to a sinus and ear infection. Then came the horrible, chest burning, hacking cough.  Then came the high temps, chills, and migraines. Now, most of my symptoms are gone, but I still have ear aches, chest tightness, and extreme fatigue, (which I expect from 3 weeks of being ill.)  I'm worried about my adrenal glands and how exhausted they are from being sick.  I'm worried about how my cuts on my hand and arm have healed slowly, including getting infected too easily.  (It's a small sign my infection marker is high.)  We still don't know why my WBC is low and why I cannot stay healthy after treatments.  

Sometimes I just feel numb from it all.  I just sit and stare at things and shake my head.  No reason to be angry.  No reason to fear anything.  No reason to complain.   No reason to let it stop me from at least trying to be functional.  When I drive, read, type, cook, stir, lift, fold, dry, wash, hold....  I constantly have to give my arms and legs a good rest and a shake.  I rotate limbs and extremities.  I roll my neck and back around constantly.  I dream of living in my tub just floating away in a very hot bath.  I dream of the house we almost bought that had a spa and a small pool...  I was going to buy one of those neck-flotation-pillows and let my body go.  Water therapy is amazing for my body! 

Everything is in short bursts or in sheer endurance as if I were in a gym pushing my workout to the limits.  I often fold laundry as if it were a competition at the gym...  I probably sound funny counting the pieces of clothing as I near the end of my reps.  I have to make it ridiculously silly or I end up crying at how crappy it is.

I always see the quotes from the support pages I follow about living with an invisible illness and how hard it is for others to understand.   I have never related to it much because I have the most amazing friends and family who believe me and love me no matter what.  But somewhere deep inside I've noticed that just maybe I feel a bit frustrated because I have made myself feel as if I'm supposed to do it all.  First of all...  I'm a stay-home-mom of 4.  What the heck am I thinking!   Haha!  Second, I have a disease that limits me.  What am I doing to myself?  Why would I even give into that crap...  I'm supposed to be super woman, which doesn't exist,  and take on the world??

As I've brought my crazy idea of who I should be back down to reality, I realize I'm pretty awesome.  I don't need to list why...  just know I figured it out.  And I did so while enjoying the outdoors.  I did so while driving my car with the windows open, while laying on my patio chair watching my kids play, (or fight....)  So I thought, why not get out more?!!  I've read my scriptures more and allowed time to contemplate them.  Being sick I was made to let go of even more and to sit back and think about how everything is.

I need to step away more for contemplation. I need to get out for more focus and grounding.  And while I'm at it I can throw in a little adventure to ignite my soul again!  Maybe, if I'm feeling really adventurous, bring the kids...!!  (I love going places with them...  but let's face it...  they are getting older and they fight a lot.  They seem to be grounded or in time out a lot lately.) 

As I write my random thoughts down, I have to remind myself that I'm in good hands.  I have faith in the Lord that I will be healed.  As scared as I may feel at times, it's just a small hiccup in my faith.  I know everything will be ok.   I know I'm in good hands.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

The mask I wear

It's challenging enough being a stay at home mom, a wife, church member, friend, daughter, cousin......  but to have a chronic illness that stops you at a moments notice from functioning....  you end up embarrassed all the time or leaving with a lower self esteem.

This last year I have done my very best to keep my mask of faking "being well" on when living my life day to day.  I cannot explain enough how much daily pain I am in.  I have found ways to help distract me from the torture.  Music, hugging my children, warm baths, taking a drive, watching a movie, doing chores, organizing a drawer, calling a friend, studying my scriptures....  I've learned to  keep moving.  If I sit I will notice the pain more and end up focusing on it which in turn makes it seem maddening.

I have been positive about how "well" my pain level is for that day.  Or how "well" my mind is functioning.   I do tire of feeling like a "woe is me" or "Debbie Downer," or a "let's talk about how crappy it is for me."  I want to be apart of the society I live in but feel so far from.  I give my best smile and spunky energy to anyone I may see.  (I really think Lyme disease can help people to become amazing actors!)  I only let ot all down for my family and maybe one close friend.  Mostly I cave to my husband and thankfully he still loves me and picks up the slack without any complaint.

I have avoided talking about my disease.  No videos, doctor visits, research, or sharing my journey as much on here or on YouTube.  I've been in a constant battle between trying to feel normal and  knowing when to give up... let the day pass by.  Another always comes!   I have this to look forward to at my weakest moments.  Time will pass and I will be in less pain once this moment is over.  It's when I either take a nap, watch a movie until I pass out, or hide away in a dark hole until my senses can function again with all the noise, lights and smells.

Thankfully I've never had a seizure from Lyme.  I've thrown up only a few times because of the pain but not too many since I've learned to meditate through it or distract myself.  (Also I use ginger, or end up taking Zofran!)

I've never been wheel chair bound, although I was pretty close to it before I received my diagnoses.  I was so weak that just getting up from bed to use the restroom would make me crash for hours.

Although my pain has increased since being diagnosed and my fatigue seems the same, I have been made stronger through my perseverance of wanting a normal life.  By wanting more for my kids...  them to not be affected by this disease and to have a functioning mom.  They already give up so much.  Because my life has been slower, I see that they are gaining many opportunities to know how much I love them.  I've spent so much time with them cuddling on the couch and it never would have happened if I had been so busy as I once used to be.  I have had great talks with my kids and get to spend extra time with them.  You just cannot replace that with any activity, sport, trip or club they may be missing because I cannot keep up with a busy lifestyle.

I've become stronger in my identity of who I am and why I have the trials that I do.  I hear all the time many translations of how we are to overcome our trials...  my favorites are two.  One, that adversity can bring us closer to Him.  And two, we are placed here on this earth to be instruments in progressing his kingdom. 

How does this help me overcome trials?

Well, I will tell you. It's one thing to have sympathy for another, but empathy is true understanding. Some things are given to us, for good or bad, so we may understand them better if we but look and listen.  Instead of asking "Why me?"...  ask what good can I do for another in their time of need with what I have been given. 

I may not be helping others with Lyme disease every day, but I know from what others have told me that I have inspired them to hold on.  To keep their chins up in their trials and to seek progression as well.  I've been able to give others opportunities to serve that have helped them to feel more purpose and belonging in this world.  I have learned of the unconditional love that so many of you have by supporting myself and my family in our journey.  I've seen others lives changed because of an illness that I've had to bear...  and even though I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, I would do it again knowing I am helping God's kingdom. 

Our time here is short and we have much to learn.  I know my mask is currently hiding what's truly inside....  I bet yours is, too.  As I learn to show myself more and accepting that who I am is OK to be everywhere I am, I hope you can,too.  I hope we can all become instruments in His hands by allowing more to see us with the masks off.  That our trials don't make us weaker or less desireable.  That we will choose to make them glorify our lives and help to bring everyone the peace and joy they so deserve.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas flu

I don't know where to start...  I haven't posted in so long.  It's Christmas morning and I'm sick in bed.  I have had chest pains off and on for about a week now.  I kept thinking I needed to get the heart monitor the doctor has ready for me.  Maybe I will on Monday.   The chest pains I've had since last night are becoming more intense.  This morning my bowels were not happy with me and after running to the bathroom a few times, I threw up, too.  I have already been hurting, fatigued, and feeling like I cannot wait for Christmas to be over so I can relax.

I've been telling everyone that I'm doing better and in reality I'm not.  I'm tired of delivering bad news constantly but I'm tired of lying about it.

Well, I took an Aspirin and a Zofran.  I'm going to try to sleep...  the smell of bacon is not helping much!  Haha!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

MRI results and the debate about false positives??!!

I am so glad Tuesday is over.  Waiting for test results is never fun.  Especially when it's about your brain.  I had the most mentally distracted week ever just trying to forget about it and pass time.  I found plenty to do and borrowed too many spoons to accomplish it all...  So my 14 hour night of sleep was not a choice.  It just happened!  Although it did give back my spoons and then some which I needed to get through Monday's anxiety.  

My appointment was in the morning and I arrive nearly in tears.  Everything hurts, my brain is a mess and my patience with the test results was running thin.  Once they told me it came back just fine I felt a huge relief!  Not one lesion, tumor, growth,...  Just nothing but a healthy brain!!  I am beyond thankful!  

Our next step is to refer me out to do some testing on brain activity since the tremors and numbness still need to be figured out.  But my brain has no abnormalities in the MRI so I'm happy...  And it's all intact and still in there!  Haha!  

This also leads us to address why I am not felling better.  The last two weeks have been rough.  I was off the Doxycycline for a while and I felt worse again.  I thought it was all in my head or maybe just stress from the upcoming move our family has to do, or the pending MRI and Multiple Sclerosis/ misc, possibilities.  

Either way, last week was not ok for me.  I talked to the student today at the doctors and tried not to cry, but when Stephanie, my PA, walked in....  I could feel the release.  I told her how frustrating it all is and that I just want to get better.  I thought we may do Doxycycline for another few weeks but knew before the MRI was ordered that we said the next step might be the IV's.  We tried to avoid it at all possible.  Thankfully we did.  I know it made a difference and now we just need to kick it in the butt!  Doxycycline is harder on my stomach so I ate a little with it each time.  You're not supposed to but I couldn't deal with the horrible stomach pains anymore.  So for now we are going back on Rocephin.  I had my PICC line put in and am ready to start treatments in the morning.  Hopefully not for too long this time, but we will see how it goes.  I know I'm in good hands.

So this is random... 

Twice now I have had comments about others getting a false positive on a Lyme test....  WHAT??!!??  Ok, so here is how I have been explained many times before.  If you have tested positive for Lyme....  YOU HAVE IT.  This is what I have learned:

The problem with the testing method isn't giving false positives it's that it misses the antibodies and can show false negatives.  Then there is the big debate between the CDC and "other" doctors that you must show a certain number of antibodies to be positive or not positive.

So, two things here.  
First, the test the CDC has, which in Nevada can be ordered through Quest or LabCorp, doesn't test for all the related antibodies.  So it misses some of the big red flags.  
Second, the most common one and usually the one to show up first is 42.  Translate:  These are spirochete antibodies...  No wait, let me add to that...  It's the TAILS of the spirochete.  Yes, there are different antibodies for different parts...  Cool, huh?  

So a spirochete can be one of three known things.  You either have 1, a dental infection, 2, Syphlysis, or 3 Borella Burgdefori...  In other words, Lyme Disease.  Only you and your doctors can figure out which spirochete "tail" you have flowing free in your blood stream.  

Ok, so you know that if you have a spirochete tail...  The body of it is there, too.  And lots of them...  They are SO tiny.

My first test showed 42.  My first Infectious Disease doctor wouldn't take my case.  Over the phone with out talking to me said I do not have Lyme Disease.  Further testing proved him wrong.  Very wrong.  Not only did I have the past antibodies of Lyme Disease, I had a current infection.  Which means my body was not able to keep it under control.  It also explains why some one can get past the initial flu symptoms and be fine for decades.  Then something changes, usually stress, passing of a loved one, moving, loss of a job, freezing temps...  Anyhow, your immune system cannot keep up and Lyme takes over with a vengeance.

Ok, so I've put this out there.  Will someone correct me if I'm wrong.  Please.  I would hate to misinform someone and only know from my experience, my research and from what multiple doctors from different fields have told me.  I would greatly appreciate it.  I will have to update the correct spellings and rest of the proper names tomorrow.  I'm just ready for bed now.  Sleeping next to a 5 year old cutie pants who i am on stomach flu watch for is tiring.  I think she is good for now and I can get to sleep. 

Thank you for all your continued prayers!  They truly do make a difference and our lives are blessed because of you!!  Until next time!!


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Sleeping in...

I have great friends.  When I say I've just woken up and it's around 12:30pm...  I always get positive responses.  But just in case you were wondering why I sleep in, well, I can tell you two things.

1.  I have an amazing husband.  He gets all three kids up every morning and gets them off to school.  He also knows if I can't wake up easily there is probably a reason.  Usually he knows because he's been up himself from my inability to sleep well.  I only found this out a while ago.  Even though I don't remember, I apparently wake him up from my restless nights.

2.  I have lots of reasons but they will all fall under this...  My health is unpredictable mostly because of Lyme.  About 5 nights a week I either have insomnia, anxiety attacks, tremors while awake and asleep, painsomnia, (which is the inability to fall asleep or stay asleep from the amount of pain I'm in,) or some other symptom.  

Tonight it is intense chest pain, upper leg pain, anxiety attack, and the tremors are off and on right now.  

I finally had my brain MRI and will receive the results at my next appointment on Tuesday morning.  I don't know what the plan is if they find any abnormalities but if nothing then I should be able to get a referral to a neurologist and continue my Lyme treatment which will more than likely put me back on a PICC line.  Either way I want to feel better so I am ready for it.  

I haven't told many people this but I have been feeling worse.  My symptoms are back and I have only been on a two week break waiting for this test to occur.  I am so sick of hurting and not being able to function properly.  I'm so sick of sleeping in and only having a few good hours a day to do what I need to do.  It's very trying to deal with and to keep a positive attitude.  I have four children and I must be strong for them.  

What I really want to do is scream, cry and eat comfort foods all day if my body would let me.  It is so hard to be strong.  Especially when every day you hurt.  When a different symptom than the day or hour before reminds you that you are battling this disease.  It doesn't let you forget.  It never stops attacking and destroying your entire body and deep inside you know it, too.  It's slowly eating away at you and while you hear all about these cures you know there really isn't.  Just like cancer there is only remission...  If you can achieve that.  And then you will never reach 100% of your old self ever again.  Few actually achieve 80% or better.  

It is different for everyone.  For me, I'm in the middle of my battle.  I know I will achieve a remission status and will be capable of many great things again...  I just have to have patience, love my self, and keep supporting my body, mind and spirit.

Besides studying the Book of Mormon and reading the same book in a groups timeframe, I am reading the New Testament.  I have just begun, but learning of Christ's miracles and healings gives me hope that I can too be healed.  I truly believe in the power to heal.  Not just from medical or natural sources but from priesthood power held correctly by a true and worthy priesthood holder.

A year ago I received a blessing from someone who especially has the gift of healing and I know it helped.  I am faced with the same worry as then...  A possible MS diagnosis...  But know that I have been blessed to have my Lyme Disease diagnosis.  It causes MS and I know how to stop its progression.  I found an answer that some never receive.  

It brings me comfort to know that my Savior has felt my pains, has loved us enough to endure them all, and who was resurrected to show that death is not the end.  He has conquered all that we will ever go through and showed us the way to happiness and eternal life.  I know that someday I will be cured...  Wether it's in this life time or the next, I will be whole again.  For now I will continue to do all I can to achieve it here in this part of life.

I thank everyone who has ever supported me, prayed for me, helped me or has even thought about myself and my family.  You may never understand how truly grateful I am for you.  You are a blessing and a true instrument in the Lords hands.  You are another way that prayers are answered and every little thing is truly appreciated.  

As always, keep our family in your prayers.  Thanks for all the love!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Treatments with Tindamax. *** disclaimer: one icky part of Lyme*****

(What happened to my font??!!)
We have added Tindamax to my Doxycycline and it has increased the die-off of the bacteria.  I've been told that Tindamax helps to break down the biofilm communities that Lyme bacteria live in.  Biofilms are another way Lyme can hide.  Here is why I have a gross disclaimer above...  Skip the next paragraph if you have a sensitive tummy, or don't want to know all the gross parts of Lyme treatments.

**The biofilm communities are being broken down.  I am told that in my feces I should be able to see them.  Yes, that means a lot.  It looks just like the biofilm that would form in a fish tank.  It's that cloudy mass of live bacteria that most bottom feeders love to eat.  In our fish tank ours is tan in color.  Well, for me it's about the same.  Also, Tindamax and doxycycline combined are so much antibiotics for my system to handle that I must take a probiotic to balance it out.  The antibiotics kill all bacteria.  Our bodies need the good bacterial so taking probiotics helps to balance that out.  It's another reason I stay away from sugar.  Sugar feeds bad bacteria.  I don't want that.  Too much bad bacteria and I will be hurting myself and will have horrible diarrhea.  Even with the probiotics I still need another medication to help solidify my stool so I don't get too dehydrated.  So going back to my poo...  Every time I go now, which is about 6ish times a day, (much less frequent than before,) I see the Biofilms.  I'm seeing less the past two days, which I'm not sure if that's good or bad.  But I do know that Lyme morphs and can hide in your cells....  That is another place antibiotics cannot go.  They are safe in there.**

This part of my treatments....  Well, Its tough.  
When you feel so sick, pain everywhere and a headache that wax and wanes all day and night, randomly increasing to the point of migraines... It really wears on you.  The pills are doing their job.  They are killing those dang buggers... So for that I am grateful.  It's just the detoxing of their dead bacteria bodies that is hard to deal with.  I don't have the luxury of detoxing the right way and I was horrible today about drinking water.  That doesn't help.  

The past week has been so busy.  One day last week I took my youngest to Deseret Industries to look for plastic doll house pieces for her pony house.  We found a few and and two Barbie's that have the ballet clothes painted on them.  A dollar each!  Score!  We were there for 5 minutes before I regretted leaving the home.  My migraines come and go quick so as soon as one would hit I would wait it out, hoping to not throw up. I was fine.  Gracie dug through the bins and after 10 cents a toy she made out like a bandit!  Cute stuff!

Well, That day I made it home and then my son tells me he needs to get a book at the library.  I could have sent my husband...  It was his day off.  But I wanted some time with him.  It was a rough experience but my son and I were able to talk about a lot of things.  It was a crazy drive home but we enjoyed our time.


Once I returned home my headache was really bad.  It faded later on and I was feeling great by 11 pm.  Which brought me to realize that I hadn't taken my treatment yet!  No wonder why I was feeling well!  Haha!  

On Thursday I woke up to my youngest asking where her pants were.  I rolled over to point to her pile and I was extremely dizzy.  The whole room moved way too quick.  It sent me into an instant ill feeling.  I asked Grace to go get dad.  She did and when he came he put weight on my body with his hands and arms to help me gain my center.  It helped but then my back started cramping.  I was stuck in bed with a horrible motion problem for over 2 hours.  It took a few hours after I got up for everything to stop spinning completely and I'm glad it didn't last for long.  I have had over 4 dizzy spells since... mostly where I feel like I am falling.  So this adds to my already long list of symptoms especially giving reason for my MRI.  I have no idea why getting this test is so hard.  My doctor's office has been told numerous times by myself and Steinberg, to fax over my clinical history and proof of insurance. Tomorrow I will call again.  I know they are annoyed with me but it's my health and I have to stay on top of them.  I learned that a long time ago.

Well, today is SO much better.  I have good days and bad and today was definitely a good day! I had times today where my head pain was too great but I would keep singing, smiling or just say a prayer.  It really helps to pray for many reasons and it does help me to center my response to the pain.  I lasted through the whole 3 hours of church!  Barely, but I did it!  My doctor would tell me to not torture myself, but I love church!  I even subbed for my sons primary class today.  So I got to attend sharing time and sing with the kids!  We did a cool activity where the president was Moses and the kids acted out the parting of the Red Sea. I was one side of the water.  I think I played my role well...  Water is so hard to act out.  

Well, I have a new calling at church.  I'm the assistant to the Relief Society Secretary.  I am glad to be of service again.  Everyone should have a place, big or small.  It helps you to belong.  I really love my church and the gospel that teaches us to have joy.  I am so very thankful that in my times of need that the Lord is there and hears me.  I'm so thankful for so many who have helped with meals, rides, blessings, babysitting, cleaning and most of all hugs, well wishes, prayers and moral support.  It really is what is keeping me going.  That and my kids need a mom that is well!  My husband needs a wife that is well!  My friends and family need help, too!  I am excited to slowly find ways to serve more and more as I get better. 

It's a life long battle and I will never stop fighting it.  I know if it's my time then I would be eventually at peace with it but for now, nothing is gonna brake my stride!  Oh, no!  I've got to keep on movin'!  ;)



Oh, my youngest wants to add her "notes":

(GRACE is 4 years old)

4 = 2+2

2+ 3 = 5

1+1 = 2

9+1 = 10

"Grace loves mom forever and ever to the end.  Bye!"

"You Reap What You Sow"

My talk given in Sacrament meeting on March 8, 2015
Craig Ranch Ward, North Las Vegas Stake
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

“For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves” (Doctrine &Covenants 104:17).

In an October 1980 General Conference address from Elder L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, it reads:

I marvel each year as I witness the system which the Lord has provided to supply for the needs of His children here on the earth. Each spring I follow a piece of string tied between two stakes to make a straight line, and with my hoe in hand I proceed to drop two or three seeds into good, fertile soil. Each fall I am overwhelmed with the bounteous harvest. Those few seeds have grown into tall plants, and each seed for the most part has produced a full golden ear containing more than a hundredfold of the original seed which was dropped into the soil a few months earlier. Each season of harvest one must be overwhelmed with humble gratitude for the blessings of the Lord to His children.

The Savior must have appreciated this process, for He used the example of this growth cycle many times as He taught in parables during His earthly ministry. We find lesson after lesson in His teachings using examples from the Lord’s supply system. We find parables concerning the sower (in Matt. 13:3–23), the seed growing by itself (in Mark 4:26–29), the tares (in Matt. 13:24–30), the unfruitful fig tree (in Luke 13:6–9), the fig tree’s leaves (in Matt. 24:32–33), treasures hidden in a field (in Matt. 13:44), and many, many others.

Is it any wonder we found His disciples teaching after His earthly ministry, (found in Gal. 6:7) “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap”.
One must be impressed with the great message of the Lord’s law of the harvest. His system produces growth, multiplication, and abundant rewards. Surely as we watch the blessings of this growth cycle each year, we would expect His children to catch the vision of their mortal potential. He has entrusted to many of His children during their earthly ministry the opportunity of caring for His special creations—His sons and His daughters. It is surely the greatest of all responsibilities which He has delegated to mankind.

In Galations 6:7 the Apostle Paul proclaimed an eternal law when he declared that “whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” This “law of the harvest” ties behavior and its consequences together in an unbreakable relationship that has direct impact on every aspect of our lives. 

The question arises, How do we apply this to our lives?
I am a fan of self help literature. (and yes, the scriptures fall into that category!) As I was preparing for my talk I noticed steps or a process arising besides the two of sowing and reaping.  I found 12 in fact!

12 STEPS

1st step – starts with a CHOICE  When we have the desire to grow our own gardens it begins with the choice to do so.  It’s the decision we make to do something.  This very act is a simple thing but without it, the outcome would not happen.  In our own lives, we must make this same choice for ourselves.  What do we want the outcome to be?  Do we want eternal salvation?  Do we want everlasting joy?  Do we want our families to be together forever?  Do we want all the blessings that the Lord has promised us if we but do our part?  I hope that answer is yes.  Yes, we want to be abundant in our rewards, to obtain all that we are promised and to reach the full measure of our creation. This leads us right into the next step.

2nd step – is an ETERNAL GOAL.  Now that a choice was made we have a goal in sight.  We must engrave it into our lives.  We must constantly remember the point of all the work ahead, that it has an end goal.  Just as wanting to taste the fruit of the garden we plant, we also want to partake of the fruit of ever-lasting life and the blessings that come with it. 

Making these goals is not enough; we must make a plan to carry them out.

3rd  step – is to PLAN
How do you make a plan to achieve them? In a garden, you must gather the necessary tools, seeds and materials needed to begin.  This can be applied to our lives starting by the way we live.  What tools do we currently have?  Do we have the scriptures, church resources, friends and an environment that will help us obtain these goals?  Do we need to seek out uplifting and good things?  Do we know which areas in our life need to be addressed in order to help us with certain habits we want to get rid of or to obtain?  Do we need to make some adjustments?  The great thing about a plan is it can always be adjusted as long as we start somewhere and are constantly moving forward.

Another thing to remember is time is essential—even a critical—element in your calculations. From where you stand now, it may seem that you have an indefinite amount of time to accomplish eternal things.

Everyone has time; it’s true. But just because time passes doesn't mean we are making progress.

In (Alma 34:32) it reads “This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors”

4th step – SEEDS
Like the flowers, fruits, and vegetables we grow in our gardens, our lives reflect the nature of the seeds we have planted.
A few of the many seeds that can help produce a good harvest in our lives are:


·         A Christ-centered life
·         Humility
·         Perspective
·         An attitude of giving
·         A desire to work
·         Service
·         Acts of kindness
·         Testimony
·         Faith
·         Self-Reliance
·         Truth
·         A love for the Temple


 Some seeds lie dormant for years; others spring forth immediately.

5th step - LOCATION so we have our seeds, where do we put them?  The answer is in the Lords territory and not in the flesh.

The Apostle Paul exhorts us about the importance of sowing in the Spirit and being aware of not sowing in the flesh. He said:

“Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
“For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:7–9).

6th  – SOWING or to plant, scatter, spread, disperse. It’s an action word.

We have heard of sowing seeds into a garden… But what does it mean to sow seeds in the Lords territory and to sow in the spirit.

It means that all our thoughts, words, and actions must elevate us to the level of the divinity of our heavenly parents. However, the scriptures refer to the flesh as the physical or carnal nature of the natural man, which allows people to be influenced by passion, desires, appetites, and drives of the flesh instead of looking for inspiration from the Holy Ghost.

If we are not careful, those influences together with the pressure of the evil in the world may conduct us to adopt vulgar and reckless behavior which may become part of our character. In order to avoid those bad influences, we have to follow what the Lord instructed the Prophet Joseph Smith about continuously sowing in the Spirit: “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33).

To enhance our spirit, it is required that we “let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from [us], with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31) and that we “be wise in the days of [our] probation [and] strip [ourselves] of all uncleanness” (Mormon 9:28).

As we study the scriptures, we learn that the promises made by the Lord to us are conditional upon our obedience and encourage righteous living. Those promises must nourish our soul, bringing us hope by encouraging us not to give up even in the face of our daily challenges of living in a world whose ethical and moral values are becoming extinct, thus motivating people to sow in the flesh even more. But how can we be certain that our choices are helping us to sow in the Spirit and not in the flesh?
President George Albert Smith, repeating counsel from his grandfather, once said: “There is a line of demarcation well defined between the Lord’s territory and the devil’s territory. If you will stay on the Lord’s side of the line you will be under his influence and will have no desire to do wrong; but if you cross to the devil’s side of that line one inch you are in the tempter’s power and if he is successful, you will not be able to think or even reason properly because you will have lost the Spirit of the Lord” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: George Albert Smith [2011], 191).

Therefore, our daily question must be, “Do my actions place me in the Lord’s or in the enemy’s territory?”
Mormon the prophet alerted his people about the importance of having the ability to distinguish good from evil:
“Wherefore, all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil; for the devil is an enemy unto God, and fighteth against him continually, and inviteth and enticeth to sin, and to do that which is evil continually.
“But behold, that which is of God inviteth and enticeth to do good continually” (Moroni 7:12–13).
The Light of Christ together with the companionship of the Holy Ghost must help us determine if our manner of living is placing us in the Lord’s territory or not. If our attitudes are good, they are inspired of God, for every good thing comes from God. However, if our attitudes are bad, we are being influenced by the enemy because he persuades men to do evil.
7th step – WORK or the importance of hard work, of nourishing the garden or in other words, the mind and soul.

Work is a blessing from God. It is a fundamental principle of salvation, both spiritual and temporal. When Adam was driven from his garden home, he was told that his bread must be produced by his physical toil, by the sweat of his brow. Note carefully the words found in Moses 4:23: “Cursed shall be the ground for thy sake”, that is, for his good or benefit. It would not be easy to master the earth; but that was his challenge and his blessing, as it is ours.

We are co creators with God. He gave us the capacity to do the work he left undone, to harness the energy, mine the ore, transform the treasures of the earth for our good. But most important, the Lord knew that from the crucible of work emerges the hard core of character.
Work has become a Mormon trademark. We are known throughout the world as a highly motivated, industrious people. 
We have a moral obligation to exercise our personal capabilities of mind, muscle, and spirit in a way that will return to the Lord, our families, and our society the fruits of our best efforts. To do less is to live our lives unfulfilled. It is to deny ourselves and those dependent upon us opportunity and advantage. We work to earn a living, it is true; but as we toil, let us also remember that we are building a life. Our work determines what that life will be.
Work is honorable. It is good therapy for most problems. It is the antidote for worry. Work makes it possible for the average to approach genius. What we may lack in aptitude, we can make up for in performance.
We also need to remember to prepare our own seedbed of faith. To do this we need to plow the soil through daily humble prayer, asking for strength and forgiveness. We need to harrow the soil by overcoming our feelings of pride. We need to prepare the seedbed by keeping the commandments to the best of our ability. We need to be honest with the Lord in the payment of our tithing and our other offerings. We need to be worthy and able to call forth the great powers of the priesthood to bless ourselves, our families, and others for whom we have responsibility. There is no better place for the spiritual seeds of our faith to be nurtured than within the hallowed sanctuaries of our temples and in our homes.

It seems to be part of our special nature to feel that no matter how hard you work and what you do, it is never enough.  Sometimes, despite the fact that everyone else feels you have been spectacular, you may feel inadequate and ineffective. Yet the excellent work you do, the kindness you show, and the love you exhibit are blessings beyond measure to those who have the privilege of associating with you. And it is enough.

8th step – TIME changes don’t happen in a day.  It can take a long time to see the results of what you’ve sown.

An example of this is comes from a young man on his mission.  It is not always possible to know the consequences of one single contact. For years William R. Wagstaff, who served in the North Central States Mission from 1928 to 1930, felt disappointed he had not baptized more people. In the summer of 1929 he and his companion visited a farm family about 180 miles west of Winnipeg.

“Brother Wagstaff remembered giving a copy of the Book of Mormon to the mother and discussing the gospel with her during numerous visits through that and the following summer.  “He recalled that during each visit ‘she’d take off her apron and we’d sit down and discuss the gospel. She’d read and have lots of questions.’  “But at the close of his mission, she still had not been baptized, and he lost touch with her.”
Brother Wagstaff went home, married, and raised a family. Then in October 1969 he and his wife attended his missionary reunion. “A lady approached him and asked, ‘Aren’t you Elder Wagstaff?’  “… She introduced herself as the woman he had taught on the farm outside Winnipeg. In her hand was a worn copy of the Book of Mormon—the one he had given her 40 years earlier.  “‘She showed me the book,’ he related. ‘I turned over the front and there was my name and address.’  “She then told Brother Wagstaff about 60 members of her family were members of the Church, including a branch president.” 
Elder Wagstaff planted the seed during his mission but went home while it was still in the ground. Forty years later he learned of the rich harvest that eventually had come to pass and that “whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” 

9th step – PERSEVERANCE
Perseverance is demonstrated by those who keep going when the going gets tough, who don’t give up even when others say, “It can’t be done.” 

Our latter-day prophets are all examples of determination through priesthood, prayer, and work. 

Joseph Smith’s perseverance made possible the Restoration of all things. All of his life he was treated with contempt and ridicule—from the time he first related the account of the First Vision to a preacher of a prominent religion. But he never faltered and left with us his unwavering testimony.

Another example was at the first press conference when President Gordon B. Hinckley was introduced to the press as the President of the Church in 1995.  He was asked what his focus would be and answered: “Carry on. Yes. Our theme will be to carry on the great work which has been furthered by our predecessors.” 

 This is a great theme for all of us. We need to carry on and endure to the end.

10th step – REPLANTING if needed
It’s important to realize that we thrive where replanting is a constant process, and when we realize that a one-time planting at the beginning doesn’t ensure a perennial harvest. Each new day should be filled with planting, cultivating, and weeding. One day missed can lead to a week, or a year, missed—and the garden may soon become overgrown with brambles and briars. However, as with gardens, neglected behaviors can be renovated with careful replanting, meticulous care, and a great deal of patience.
11th step – REAPING  or to gather, harvest, or receive. Another action!

If you plant cucumber seeds, you get cucumber vines and cucumber blossoms, and, eventually, cucumbers. You’ll never get cauliflower from cucumber seeds. If we sow acts of kindness, we reap friendship and happiness.’”

“But if we sow evil and unkindness, then we reap the consequences—unhappiness and sadness.”

For some we may be reaping what others before us have laid down before us.  Even so, in D&C 86:7, it states that the final reaping will occur only when the Father determines that the world is “fully ripe.”

12 –CONSEQUENCES a result or effect of an action or condition.  They can be good or bad.  Some of the good consequences of you harvest can be:



·         Eternal Salvation
·         Righteous families
·         Happiness
·         Joy
·         Fullness of the Gospel
·         Prospering in the land
·         Friendships
·         Peace
·         Eternal life

Only those who endure in righteousness unto the end will receive eternal life.

It is here where we experience everlasting joy.  We receive all the blessings that the Lord has promised us because we did our part. 

One of my favorite sayings is:  “We sow our thoughts, and we reap our actions; we sow our actions, and we reap our habits; we sow our habits, and we reap our characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny.”

I pray that our harvest will be blessed with the fullness the Lord has promised to us because we have lived worthy of meriting His blessings.   He lives to lead and guide and bless us with His love.
May we be blessed with the faith to follow His way, which will lead us to life eternal, I humbly pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Hanging by a thread... But still hanging!

I don't usually brag about myself, but Herxing, detoxing, being sick, taking care of 4 kids including pets, a home, my sick and recovering hubby, (bless his heart and thankfully he is better...) 

I would say I'm handling it very well....

So far.  I will let you know if I crack!   Haha!  Or maybe you will figure it out on your own!!

Well, today was an adventure.  My husband now knows what it's like to pass a kidney stone.  We have something else in common!  Yea us!  Well, I will write about it once I get permission from him.  He is usually more of a private man and I understand so if he's ok, I will share the experience.  But I agree with him.  Going through this definitely gives you empathy toward others when it comes to pain.

He is one tough cookie.  

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

White blood count is back up!

This will be a quick entry.  I don't feel well and need to sleep.  I think I am getting sick.  My youngest two have been sick and my hubby is getting it, too.  

Anyhow, my appointment today at CIDS went well.  My test results for my white blood count are up to 3.8 so that's great!  I can wean off the steroids now.  I was prescribed Tindamax again and hopefully it will knock this bacteria out.  It will mean stronger Herxes but I am ready for it.  We are still working on getting the MRI of my brain done so hopefully that will be soon, too.  If so then I go back in 2 weeks.

I want to do a separate post about my supplement routine this time around.  But like I said, I need to sleep for now.  Thanks everyone for your continued support and prayers.  It means so much to me!